Sitting Quietly Together
By Anna Debenham, June 2021
There's a great quote from Blaise Pascal that sat on a post-it note on my desk while I was doing a three-day training a few weeks ago -
"All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone."
I actually altered it and took off the last word - 'alone'. Not that I don’t think Pascal’s statement isn’t spot on, but I also think humanity's problems stem from people's inability to sit quietly in a room together.
The reason I had it sitting on a post-it note on my computer was a gentle reminder to take the time to sit quietly. Like many people I can have the tendency to want to fill the space or keep talking if everyone is quiet, especially if I’m the one delivering the program. I can dream into what the silence means; maybe no one’s getting what I’m saying therefore I should say more…. But over time I’ve realized the opposite is true. Saying less is often times more helpful.
It reminds me of a tattoo one of our participants in prison had in big letters on his forearm - the word WAIT. When I asked him what it meant he said it stands for ‘Why Am I Talking’. He had realized in his own life that talking often got him into trouble, so he needed reminding to close his mouth when he felt the urgency to open it. I thought that was really insightful. Not that I need to tattoo it on my body, but I love the wisdom behind it.
In delivering our Insight to Wellbeing program in prisons and in the community, we have come to realize the value of creating space. One of the first things we say is, space provides a conducive environment for insight. There can be a lot of quiet, even silence during the program as we allow space for reflection. Giving each other space after speaking and not interrupting each other is supportive of insight-based learning.
We suggest that being able to sit and not know is helpful and conducive to this type of learning environment. Sitting in the unknown allows for a quiet space that helps people hear something for themselves. Allowing that space when people speak instead of trying to offer solutions or fill in the blanks for them, is often helpful for everyone including ourselves.
Space and reflection are two of the most important pieces of this program, and in my mind for life in general. When we sit quietly in a room together there’s a stillness that allows for a connection deeper than what’s buzzing around on the surface, and which often has us at odds with each other. The thought - ‘I don’t agree with you therefore you’re a bad person or I hate you and want to hurt you', is something we come across a lot in the environment we work in.
Just this morning a young man in one of our youth groups reflected on the fact that being in prison has actually afforded him the opportunity to stop and think. “Don’t get me wrong”, he said, “I don’t like being in here, but my life on the streets was so fast and reactive I didn’t have the time to slow down and look at my life and think about what I want. Now I do and I want something different than this. I’m not the same person as I used to be’, he said, “it’s all about growth and development. When you grow you develop”.
I’ve seen the minds of these amazing young men and so many of our participants open up, be more curious, and have so much more flexibility of mind. And with that they start to find solutions to their problems and see beyond the boxes they live in, both physically and mentally. It often starts with sitting quietly in a room. I know it does for me.
