When to Speak Up, and When to Shut Up

January 7, 2025

I had a lovely month in England over the holidays. It was unusual to have so much time over there. I was able to really relax and not run around doing a million things and seeing everyone I wanted to see in a short space of time. I paced myself. I really tried to put my work away and just be. I realized once again that I’m not very good at completely relaxing. The longer I had, the more I was able to chill. It took a couple weeks for my nervous system to quiet down.

Last month I talked about transitions and I’m sure that is going to be a theme this year too. Especially as I’m closer to moving back to the UK. It’s getting more real. A deeper insight I had over the holidays and as I navigate this transition is knowing when to speak up and knowing when to shut up. Speaking up is something I’ve been practicing more and more lately. It’s funny, most people think I’m pretty straight forward and don’t beat around the bush, and even blunt sometimes. While that’s definitely true, there are times I lose my voice. It’s a dance I’ve been in much of my life. I can also do a good job making a mess and speaking up when I really should have kept my mouth shut. I’m sure you can relate to that too. 

It can be a delicate balance. The times when I speak when I should have shut up is down to insecurity or my ego wanting to make itself heard. You know the feeling, the strong impulse to get your two cents in, and it’s actually not what was needed in the moment - at all! There’s usually an agenda in the background and it’s harder to be neutral and to really listen. I can feel it in my body as an agitation. I’m much better at recognizing this as the time to press pause. 

I remember a beautiful insight a young man, Dajohn had some time ago now. When he saw red it was an indication to him that action was needed. Fighting or pulling up for a friend, often getting himself into trouble. What became clear to him through this insight was, when he saw red it was actually more of a red light and the time to stop, put on the brakes. This would give him time to calm down and breathe. Then the light turned yellow and when it finally turned green it would be time to move. It was all down to the feeling he had inside.That insight helped him a lot and it also helped many others. It’s such a great visual.  Dajohn is one of the founders of Rebels For Peace in Chicago and is working in schools and with youth in the city sharing his insights. 

I’m also doing a better job at speaking up rather than keeping quiet when I know my voice is important. I’ve had a few hard conversations this year already and I’ve been more gently straightforward and felt more grounded and neutral. One conversation was yesterday. While I was waiting on the zoom for the conversation to begin, I had such anxiety and that butterfly feeling of dread. That sounds a bit dramatic. Maybe it is, but you know the feeling when you need to say something and you’re not sure how the other person is going to respond, but you can’t not say anything? It was one of those.

I knew the worst that could happen was a really uncomfortable feeling. And I was already experiencing that and I hadn’t even joined the conversation! Sometimes, we need to speak up even when it’s hard. If I’m speaking my truth and I’m grounded inside, I know I’m doing all I can do. I can’t be responsible for the other person's feelings... Which is something I used to feel more compelled to do. It often prevented me from saying something important or sticking up for myself. 

This is an ongoing dance for me and one that I’m sure I’ll be refining for the rest of my life. I know I’ll mess up and get it wrong, but there are more times that I’m getting it right. Is this the time to speak up or is this the time to shut up? A life-long question! 

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." – Winston Churchill