The Power of Saying Yes to Yourself

March 23, 2024

Something that came up a couple weekends ago when I was doing an immersion (our 10-week program shared over a few days) with two of our newer board members and our newest staff member - all female – was, “Do I have the right?” It was an old thought that most of us could identify with. Do I have the right to speak? Do I have the right to be in the room? Do I have the right to be at the table? You get the picture. Such an unconscious thought. But being a socialized female in this world, it was hard to grow up without that thought, or something like it. For many years of my life, some version of that thought was front and center, and now it floats by in the river of my mind like an old acquaintance that I recognize but don’t really have much time for.

For some of you who can relate, it might not have been “Do I have the right?” Maybe it was, “Am I worthy?” Or “I don’t deserve it.” You don’t have to be female to feel that! This thought pattern can be a hard one to shake as it’s often invisible and is so embedded in our culture. And even now, when I know I’m worthy, that I definitely have the right and I do deserve it, that thought can still find its way to the surface. 

For years, I’d struggle, always looking for my worth outside of me - what I looked like, the size of my body, how many people liked me, how well I fitted in, what I could accomplish, what other people thought… the list was endless. I wouldn’t speak up or say what I thought in case it would backfire and I’d feel even more insecure. I honestly didn’t know how to speak up. It led me to years of bulimia. It was my very innocent way of feeling relief and getting something out of me when I was too scared to use my voice. And then it just became a habit. I have so much grace for myself looking back on this as I was just doing the best I could with that I knew at the time. Like I said, it was innocent. I didn’t know better. 

It wasn’t till I really saw on a deeper level that my worth and my value are built in that things started to change. It definitely wasn’t one light bulb moment; it felt like a slow discovery. For example, standing on the side of the stage, waiting to do my TED talk in front of 3,000 people, I felt like I was about to die of fear. But something inside of me reminded me that even if I totally fucked it up, it was OK - I’d be alive in the morning. Just small reminders here and there that I now have eyes for.

Worth and value are my innate nature and not dependent on anything outside of me. Nothing that I do or don’t know, no way that others perceive me or think about me has anything to do with my worth, or my essence. It’s simply not up for grabs. That goes for everyone. I’m not unique in this way. We’re so conditioned to think that our value lies outside of us, but it really doesn’t. 

I know that now with every cell of my being. It’s no longer just a nice idea that doesn’t have any roots in my actual life. It’s now the place I come from. It’s my foundation. This knowing has allowed me to find my voice and speak up and not shy away from hard conversations because I’m afraid of the outcome. To have a seat at the table. What’s the worst that could happen? I feel some kind of way. I feel insecure, or stupid, or judged or anxious… So what. I know it’s temporary and I can handle it. An uncomfortable feeling no longer stops me from being me. Feeling sick to my stomach doesn’t stop me for from speaking my truth when I know it’s in service to me, and often many other people, those who might not feel that comfortable speaking out. Just this week, we’ve had some challenging budget conversations which in the past I would have crumpled under. But now I can trust my intuition and speak up. Even something small like knocking on the neighbor’s door to ask them to turn their TV down as I need to sleep. I would never have done that.  I wouldn’t have felt the inner permission.

We owe it to ourselves, to our sisters, and all those who don’t feel like they have the right and have not yet realized their true value to model being strong in the face of adversity and speaking truth to power. Or even just to share how we’re feeling with someone we care about and that’s enough. We are enough. 

And I don’t always see it. Sometimes I forget who I really am. And that’s ok too. I know I’ll find myself again and there’s no hurry as I haven’t actually gone anywhere. 

“I have met myself and I am going to care for her fiercely.” — Glennon Doyle